I’ll have to thank Danny Fresh for this one…
“If you’re having girl problems I feel bad for you son/ I got 99 problems but a b-tch ain’t one.”
By 
- Awkward street cred issues re: recent events with “the 99%.”
- Discomfort with monogamy and upcoming fatherhood, esp. w/in the context of being a very powerful individual (i.e. sex from whoever he desires widely available yet unattainable due to moral obligation).
- Increasing existential distress re: fatherhood, fame, identity, public image.
- Trouble figuring out which is the healthiest cooking oil.
- Irritating eczema between index, middle and ring fingers during change of seasons and humid weather, exacerbated by high temperatures and showering; especially irritating in the middle of the night.
- Worries about bad breath.
- Sometimes ‘forced’ by Beyonce to “Facetime” via iPad with in-laws; finds this excruciating; almost impossible to maintain any semblance of enthusiasm while doing so.
- Zipper on favorite backpack (irreplaceable b/c found in an eclectic thrift shop in east Berlin) consistently ‘jams’ for unknown reasons, seems to be getting worse.
- Kicked out of his own bar a month ago in shameful, drunken loss of control.
- Detection of flowering, toxic claustrophobia/ fears of not being able to ‘get out’ when in group settings in which others would notice signs of anxiety and nervousness such as excessive sweating, heavy panting, body odor, fidgeting, and repeated swallowing.
- Life + Times intern extremely sexually attractive, unsure feelings about how to navigate that re: wife.
- Strange pain in upper left corner of abdomen whenever hungry (suspected peptic ulcer).
- Worries about drinking enough water.
- Toilet in one of the men’s stalls at the 40/40 New York experiencing unseemly clogging issues.
- Persistent anxieties regarding making the ‘right’ decision and simultaneous increasing feelings of confusion about concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong,’ made esp. troubling by comparison to pre-fame days, when almost always confident in ‘gut instinct’ and rarely questioned decision-making abilities.
- Fear of flying, near-panic and severe nausea during episodes of turbulence.
- Unexplained bouts of insomnia.
- During bouts of insomnia, genuine, hours-long experiences of fear/ despair that future plans will lead to irredeemable failure and chronic unhappiness, coupled with toxic analytical spirals that further exacerbate inability to sleep.
- On Steve Jobs’ bad side when he passed away.
- Random, unwelcome visual images of Beyonce performing oral sex on Kanye West, Kanye West having intercourse ‘doggy style’ with Beyonce, and, sometimes, Kanye West’s penis.
- Growing addiction to Coke and Mountain Dew.
- Worries about posture coupled with angst/ disdain for the fact that good posture is difficult to maintain.
- Distress/ distaste about own uneven facial hair pattern.
- Major losses of productivity due to recent near-obsessive consumption of cat videos.
- Tired feelings of jealousy and resentment for Ryan Gosling; sharp, anxious desire to keep Beyonce away from him at all costs to prevent any possible affair (+ refusal to admit any of this to self).
- Unwelcome, distracting, and time consuming psychic digressions and fantasizing concerning, for the most part, a girlfriend he had when he was 22 years old.
- Unwanted resentment for Beyonce.
- Worries re: porn addiction.
- Extreme fear of spiders.
- Not enough alone time.
- Read the Rest… Here
